Father Unacknowledged Unrecognised Species

Father is an unrecognized and unacknowledged species.
None deems it fit to give credit to Father.

Father is perceived to be tough , uncompromising  disciplinarian who takes a sadistic pleasure while bringing up children.


He is generally termed as irresponsible and but for the Mother , children would not be what they are.

Mother understands and accommodates but a Father ,

Father is one who remains in the background, taking all the blame, his intention being the welfare of the children, not popularity.

He sacrifices without being aware of it.

He understands.

But never expresses.

Nor does he seek assurances from children that they love him.

When it is time for children to be independent he does not demur.

Nor does he interfere in his children’s relationship with their Spouses.

Nor does he expect any thing from his children’s Spouses.

He is not free with his children’ s money, he is more careful with it.

When the child is in the womb, he might not carry the child,

Carries in the Heart.

When the child is ill he does not panic, but attends to it sans hysterics.

When the child does not get himself established in Life , he does not express it, but remains  more hurt than what he would have been, had he not established himself.
He is proud when his children turn out better than him.

‘ The benefit which a father should confer on his son is to give him precedence in the assembly of the learned.’

தந்தை மகற்காற்று நன்றி அவையத்து
முந்தி இருப்பச் செயல்.
Thirukkural by Thiruvalluvar.
Happy Fathers Day.

Image Credit.



Thank You My Son

Many People often leave the world without thanking those who deserve it.

One of the fundamentals of any religion is gratitude.

Thirukkural says,

எந்நன்றி கொன்றார்க்கும் உய்வுண்டாம் உய்வில்லை
செய்ந்நன்றி கொன்ற மகற்கு.

எந்நன்றி கொன்றார்க்கும் உய்வு உண்டாம் – பெரிய அறங்களைச் சிதைத்தார்க்கும் பாவத்தின் நீங்கும் வாயில் உண்டாம்; செய்ந்நன்றி கொன்ற மகற்கு உய்வு இல்லை – ஒருவன் செய்த நன்றியைச் சிதைத்த மகனுக்கு அஃது இல்லை. (பெரிய அறங்களைச் சிதைத்தலாவது, ஆன்முலை அறுத்தலும், மகளிர் கருவினைச் சிதைத்தலும், பார்ப்பார்த்தப்புதலும் (புறநா.34) முதலிய பாதகங்களைச் செய்தல். இதனால் செய்ந்நன்றி கோறலின் கொடுமை கூறப்பட்டது.).

There is no salvation for those who forget  Gratitude.

Here I do not take the meaning of Parimel Azhakar for the word ‘Makarkku’ meaning son, but the meaning people.

Often in Life we do not adequately thank people.

It is a slur on the Soul.

I am not very demonstrative in showing my emotions, even to my children.

I am of the view that love for the others would be felt by those who are loved .

They need not be vocalized.

But I belong to old school where the term Love was not even uttered in relationships and they were/are a part of the Being.

My father was the least emotional Man I have come across.

He would never express himself.

But Psychologists would say repressed emotions might lead to stress.

But my father was never stressed.

When my paternal grandfather died , his body was lying, my father was sitting an as Easy chair displaying no emotion.

I was around 12 or 13 then.

I remember asking him as to why he was not crying as others, he  replied if some one would guarantee that his father would come back alive , he would definitely cry!

When my mother died, with whom my father has lived for over 50 years, he just woke me up at the dead of the night, told me’

‘Your mother just died, you go to sleep and we shall see in the morning!

But , after the death of my mother, my father who weighed at 130 Kg.came down to 65 in a matter of six months.

During this period he  never spoke a word about my mother.

Probably I belong to those people who never exhibit emotions.

My Daughter in law says that I am the most  unromantic person she has ever seen!

Many of my friends say that I am cold.

Excepting to those whom I am close with.

Notwithstanding this, it is time I record my sentiments, though my son would say sentiments are non sense.

But isn’t Life all about all sentiments?

I may not be expressive but I know that sentiments make one live through the Life.

My son is very sensitive and never expresses himself.

He is more rational, according to him.

But behind this veneer I can detect the undercurrent of affection, love.

He is close to the family, that’s all.

And we are close as Friends.

He has been  taking responsibility of the Family from the time he was 17.

He never interfered.

He let me do things my way, despite some objections by him,

He has made my retired life pleasant by enabling me do things I wanted to do but could not during my working days.

He never lets me worry about anything.

Doing research in Hinduism.

The comfort he gives me gives me time and vigor to do what I want to do.

I have never appreciated him because I believe, as the Sastras say,never praise your children, point out their faults’

Parenting is not for popularity .

It is for their welfare.

I wish I could have done more for my son.

I could not.

I am sorry.

I have never expressed my appreciation of him, though I am proud of him.

As I near my death, I am running 65 years, I would not like to depart without saying how much I thank him and love him.

Thank you Anand, my son.

Wish I had been as good a Father as you have been /are a son!

Hinduism On Children Illegitimate Children

Hinduism accords importance to Familial relationships.


Duties of each member of the Family is set,Man,Wife,children,Brother,Sister and elders.


However the emphasis  is more on the duties of the son.


Hindu Symbol OM.jpg
Hindu Symbol OM


Hinduism considers the begetting of a male child to be auspicious as they believe that the son prevents the parents entering the Hell called ‘Puth’


The name for son is Puthra, one who prevents parents from entering Puth.


The Smritis state that a son is to be treated as,


a King till he is Five years old.


as Slave from 5 to Fifteen and


a friend after Fifteen years.


A son is not to be praised in his face.


His mistakes are to be pointed out.


a son has to be educated within one’s  means.


As children can not understand the difficulties of running a family(till they are fifteen No Family affairs are to be discussed with them nor their opinion sought even for their education)


Once they are married all decisions are to be taken after discussing with them, not necessarily following them.


They have to be taught etiquette  and discipline as set forth in the Taittriya Upanishad in Siksha Valli.


The son , when he comes of age is expected to run the family and the parents have to maintain themselves , either by staying in the family or withdrawing to the forest as a vanaprastha.


If the wife is not willing to accompany the husband,she has to be left in the care of the son.


The son  is the Guardian of the Mother.


The son is the next authority in running the Family and he has to take  care of his sisters  and younger brothers as a father.


His wife occupies the next place in the Family after the Mother and Father.

She is Mother in another form.


The son is to perform the Funeral rites of the Parents.


He shall perform all the duties of  the Father, including  the performance of all Poojas and Rituals prescribed for the Family, after the Seemantha for his wife is performed.


If a Man does not have a child, he has to adopt his daughter’s child as his son.


Following ceremonies are performed for the Son.



2.Namakarana, naming the child.

3.Ayush Homa till he attains Five Years.


5.Head tonsuring.



8.Seemantha for His wife.


Illegitimate children.


Children of an Unmarried woman,


Child of son’s pregnant Bride,


Son of twice married woman,


Son of an adopted daughter,


Adopted son,


All belong to the family.


In the absence of legitimate  children, the illegitimate children  receive one-fourth of the Estate.


Gautama Sutra 28.18.


Manu on Illegitimate Children

By the sacred tradition the woman is declared to be the soil (or the field), the man is declared to be the seed; the production of all corporeal beings takes place through the union of the soil with the seed.” (Manu. IX.33)

“Those who, having no property in a field, but possessing seed-corn, sow it in another’s soil, do not receive the grain of the crop which may spring forth.” (Manu.IX.49)

“If (one man’s) bull were to beget a hundred calves on another man’s cows, they (i.e., the calves) would belong to the owner of the cows; in vain would the bull have spent its strength.” (Manu.IX.50)

“Thus men who have no marital property in women, but sow their seed in the soil of others, benefit the owner of the woman; but the giver of the seed reaps no benefit.” (Manu.IX.51)









Parents Complaints To Children

There comes a stage when the parents start complaining to their children about each other, instead of children complaining about siblings.


Either the wife or the husband complains to the daughter or son.


This happens when the parents cross fifty and children start earning or get married,whether the son stays with the parents or not.



Recently I had a call on this from a son, settled abroad,on this.


He was worried about this.


Each of the parents have complained about the other.


The Boy wanted to solve the issue


The Boy is over 35 and the parents in their sixties.


He told me he wanted to talk to them separately and set the things right.


He sought my advise.


My answer was to do nothing of the sort.


Any marital relationship is bound have disagreements.


One is dissatisfied with the other.


Matured ones know to leave the disagreements and proceed as if nothing has happened, provided the grouse is not about genuine harassment or involving adultery.


But as one grows old,th children grown up, the parents seek solace in their children.


They do not wish to let  their affairs known to outside the family.


They need an out let to share their feelings.


That’s all and nothing more even though they may not admit it.


Talking to grown up children who are understanding enough reduces tension and gives a feeling that there is someone who listens to problems sympathetically and consoles.


What the children need to do is to  listen to the issue or complaints as one would to a close friend and emphasize with them, with out making an adverse comment about the other parent.


Talk to them,console them and assure them that you shall talk to the other party and resolve.


But do not talk to the other party on this.


This approach, I have seen, has helped a lot of people.


These things shall pass in Life.


Most of the complications in Life arise out of the mistaken notion that all problems can be solved by active participation.


And undue importance given to regular natural incidents.


One should be mature enough to understand what a serious problem is.


Some of these quick fixes for imagined problems arise out of blindly following western thought s about solving problems.


In most cases the cure turns out worse than the disease.



Who Is Good Do We Know

I recently watched the popular talk show on StarVijay TV with participation from parents,teachers and students.


And what the teachers see as good and how do they identify the Good Student in general and a Good man in particular.


To my shock none of them have been able to specify a single attribute that characterizes a good Man.


The yard stick to determine One who is Good seems to be,


1.Good education with top rank.

2.Settling well in Life.

3,Respect to elders.


5.Good communication skills.

6.Well groomed.

7.Being open with parents in sharing their personal experiences including Love affairs.

8.Respecting parents.


None of them have been able to specify a single Human value, excepting one man who said ‘Love others’, that makes a Good man or woman.


Truthfulness, Honesty,Integrity,Righteousness, Concern for others,Helping others,flexibility in handling Life’s problems…


Where are we heading?


Is Life all about getting a Rank and settling (?) in Life with self-centered existence?


Is the anchor rightly pointed out, all the people in the show indicated what they do not want to see in  Man or woman, implying that they have a Clear concept of what is bad and none at all about what is Good!


When you do not know what Good is how do you set standards for your children?


I recall the statement by Henri Bosanquet on the question of defining what Good is,


‘Just as you can not explain what the color of yellow is to one who is born Color Blind, you can not explain what Good is to one who has never done anything Good in Life”


I consider this as the best definition.


And what defines Bad?

‘Doing things in Public which you would be ashamed of doing it in Private”


Well we from the land of Bharat are not short of Dharma Sastras or Moral literature.


Let us look a simple one from Tamil, Athichoodi by Avvaiyar.


தமிழ் எழுத்து தமிழ் வாக்கியம் English Translation
அறம் செய விரும்பு Intend to do right deeds
ஆறுவது சினம் Anger will be cooled off,Cool your Anger
இயல்வது கரவேல் Give to others what you can
ஈவது விலக்கேல் Do not stop, discourage others when they attempt to help others
உடையது விளம்பேல் Never be boastful of your possession
ஊக்கமது கைவிடேல் Never loose enthusiasm
எண் எழுத்து இகழேல் Learn the Three R’s
ஏற்பது இகழ்ச்சி Never accept Alms
ஐயமிட்டு உண் Feed others before you eat
ஒப்புர வொழுகு Move with world, act in harmony with the others.
ஓதுவது ஒழியேல் Never give up learning
ஒள ஒளவியம் பேசேல் Never gossip
அஃகஞ் சுருக்கேல் Never short change in Business

The fine point is that the first letter of all these Truisms  start with the Tamil Alphabets in order.

There is more.


One may learn this and pass on to children instead of Jack and Jill, Baba Black Sheep, Rain rain go Away in country where the Climate is Hot and there is dearth of rains.

Hope elders learn this first.