Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

Marriage Compatibility Myth

In lifestyle on August 16, 2013 at 11:53

Marriage and Compatibility.

Marriage and Compatibility.

I was looking for a suitable Girl for my son(He is married now)

In India, in general, marriages are arranged by parents.

For details read my post under ‘Lifestyle’

Those who believe in horoscope,these are in the majority in the Brahmin community(I do not believe in Horoscopes), circulate the horoscope through their relatives, friends, family priest and of late through Marriage portals.

Once the horoscopes match, then the process of visiting the would be Bride’s home is on.

Once the girl and the boy like each other, then the arrangements for Betrothal and marriage starts.

The problem with the present generation is that they set conditions.

1.They need to talk to each other,by email,webcam and in person and it is in vogue now.

2.The girl should be well-educated, employed and domestically well-trained(?!)

3.The Boy without parents being alive is preferred and most preferred boys are those who do not have siblings;they must commit to support the girl’s parents.

The Boy should be in a transferable job and can get transferred to the Girls’ place.

4.Both the Boy and girl declare they should be in the same ‘wave length‘ , each must ‘personal space and they want to ensure that each is compatible with the other.

I am talking about the point on ‘wavelength’ , ‘personal space ‘and compatibility.

I was married to a girl whom my parents finalised and have grandchildren now, with usual, ever-present misunderstanding between us.

What exactly is ”wavelength’?

If my understanding is correct , it means that both should be able to have same tastes, likes and dislikes.

I am afraid this is not possible or probable.

Each is unique.

If one were to have the same likes, dislikes then Life would become dull and boring.

It is a question of supplementing each other.

None loves, likes the others in all their follies and tastes.

It applies to everyone.

It is the process of compromising and adjusting that makes Life happy or at least tolerable.

Another important point is that our tastes. likes and dislikes change during our Life and this complicates Life even further if you have the same’ ‘wave length’

And what is ”personal space?

No body is going to take it away from you because you are married.

This confusion arises because of the notion that in any relationship, one should share everything with another.

I have a post on this under Lifestyle.

One can not and need not share everything with everyone, including wife to sustain the relationship.

There are issues that one should share and some one need not.

These expectations are imaginary, idealistic, fueled by pulp fiction and films.

If one were  to be perfect in getting married after checking these wavelengths compatibility nonsense , one remains unmarried and at an unmarriageable age  and have to settle any one  for a Spouse .

Look at a case reported.

A girl divorced her husband because he was not compatible.

She became friendly with a man Online.

After some intimate exchange of views Online she found it was her ex Husband!

If the woman had been sure of Compatibility, then  she would not divorced.

If her judgement is correct, she would not have chosen to contact the Man Online for she had corresponded with him after checking his likes and dislikes.

How elusive is Compatibility factor is?

Look at the professional qualification of the people involved.


For nearly a year after her divorce, a West St. Paul woman opened up to a man she dated online, sharing intimate details of her personal life and struggles with her ex-husband.

Then, prosecutors say, she got a surprise. The man on the other end of the computer was her ex-husband.

Brian Matthew Cornelius, a 36-year-old Sturgeon Lake, Minn., man, created an elaborate online persona under an assumed name and with borrowed photographs to strike up a digital relationship with his former wife, according to charges filed Tuesday in Dakota County District Court.

Prosecutors say Cornelius went so far as to arrange to watch the woman through a webcam, and he persuaded her to skip a court appearance in which she was seeking an order for protection against him.

Phone calls to Cornelius and his most recent attorney of record were not returned Thursday.

Cornelius and the woman were married in 2000 and divorced in 2011, according to court records. They have two young children together and have sparred in court over custody issues.

He faces two counts of gross misdemeanor stalking.

According to the charges:

About three months after her divorce, the woman met someone through a dating website who went by the name “Aaron Carpenter.” The two struck up an “extensive” online relationship, exchanging emails, text messages and other electronic communications.

The woman “confided intimate details of her life and daily activities” with Carpenter, including her difficulties with Cornelius. She also let him see her in her home via a webcam, the complaint said.

In March 2012, after an alleged physical assault by Cornelius, the woman told Carpenter about her plans to get an order for protection against her ex-husband.

Carpenter persuaded her to skip the court date, and the request for an order subsequently was dismissed.



*Definition of Compatibility.


[kuhm-pat-uh-buhl]  Show IPA



capable of existing or living together in harmony: the most compatible married couple I know.

able to exist together with something else: Prejudice is not compatible with true religion.

consistent; congruous (often followed by with  ): His claims are not compatible with the facts.



First Gay Divorce Gay Divorce Costlier

In lifestyle on August 6, 2013 at 17:50

My views on Gay Relationships are well-known to my readers.

Now it is reported that Gay Divorces,are on.

Worse still, they are proving to be costlier.

Gay Marriage,whatever one may say and abuse me, is not natural.

Why some one should object to being called Natural, if the y are convinced that they are natural/beats me!

Divorce in Hetero sex marriage, in my opinion, except in extreme cases, is  not correct.

But Gay Divorce?

Read On.

When Jason Dottley and his husband ended their marriage last year, neither bothered to hire a lawyer because the couple agreed they had nothing to fight over.

Lawyers are what you get when things get difficult,” Dottley figured.

He had no idea just how difficult getting a same-sex divorce would be.

Dottley, an actor and singer, filed for divorce in April 2012 in California, where the court system was unfamiliar with how to handle his case. He eventually sought an attorney’s advice after growing frustrated with the numerous delays.

“The lawyer I hired really couldn’t offer much help,” he said. “His advice was basically, you can either keep plugging away or you can pay me to plug away, but until the courts figure out what they’re doing, I can’t speed this along for you any more than you can.”

It’s a story familiar to a growing number of same-sex couples, even as the gay community continues to celebrate the Supreme Court’s decision in June to strike down the Defense of Marriage Act. Many hope the ruling will encourage more states to legalize gay marriage, which is currently only legal in 13 states as well as the District of Columbia.

IGay Couple now Divorced.n happier times: Dottley and his former husband, Del Shores, in 2010.

But because gay marriage is relatively new — Massachusetts became the first state to legalize it in 2004 — same-sex couples trying to get divorced have found their attempts come with high price tags and other expensive sacrifices in the few states even willing to grant them.

Gay and lesbian couples have had to be pioneers,” said Susan Sommer, director of constitutional litigation for Lambda Legal, an advocacy group devoted to gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender legal issues. “Until things get familiar, even in states like New York, where same-sex couples can .



How To Nail Yourself By Yourself

In lifestyle on July 25, 2013 at 09:25

There seems to be a confusion between being Frank, Blunt  and Open.

Shut  Up. gif.I find people, under the impression of being frank express what they think immediately, irrespective of whom they are talking to.

One category is informing others of the opinions expressed by the third-party , in the passing.

Some times to the party concerned!

In the other case, it some how reaches the  one who made the initial comment and puts a strain in Relationships.

In most cases, especially the younger brigade, it is the ‘in’ thing to declare that they are open with their spouses and that they disclose everything about them and their Life.

Nothing can be more disastrous tahn this to damage the Married Life.

There is  a difference to informing what is necessary and what is not important.

By disclosing everything, you become vulnerable for attacks, which could have been avoided.

It is not necessary to divulge every thing to every one, including wife.

More harm comes out of it than good.

Being open in these cases  may give egoistical euphoria that you are a frank person; other than that it achieves nothing.

This is immaturity.

Boldnes is being interpreted as being ‘brash,brutal”

People use this boldness to say things what they think.

If every one were to express their feelings about others there will no relationships standing.

If truth is to be told is to be expressed in such a way that the message gets across and it does not offend.

The other name of this Art is ‘Courtesy, Politeness

But. there are some issues like extramarital affair(if you are serious about it), Financial dealing, Health issues-these issues should never be kept secret from the wife.

Again there are some statements that we make ourselves about us, which would nail us in the long run.

I read an article on this.

Read On:

  1. It matters what others think
    My past used to be riddled with quiet thoughts of “If my house is decorated like this, I’ll look wealthy”, “If I drive this car, I’ll look professional”, or “If I share the real me, people may not want to spend time with me”. Remember, there’s a fine line between caring what people think out of courtesy and selling out on who you are a unique and gifted person.
  1. Comparing myself to others shows where I should be in life
    I’ve come to the conclusion that comparisons are a quick acting poison to our happiness. To think that there’s something or someone out there that’s “better” than us is a sure way to lose ourselves. Stop competing and comparing in an effort to be someone else. Instead, find gratitude for who you are.
  1. I’m only worthy after I’ve accomplished something notable
    We are inherently worthy. Once we believe that, we have a fighting chance at manifesting our dreams. I remember so many times where I didn’t take an opportunity or didn’t acquire a monetary item because I didn’t feel worthy of it. Pure silliness.
  1. I’m alone
    Solitude is a choice. This is one that I’ve personally fought. Part of me really wants to argue that I’m lonely. My gut knows that there are people all around me, if I’d only reach out in love and leave the victimhood behind.
  1. Authenticity just gets me into trouble
    Lack of sensitivity towards other people’s feelings is what gets us in trouble. Authenticity breeds human connection and trust.
  2. Source:


Divorce, Widow Remarriage Allowed By Vedic Hinduism

In Hinduism, India on July 24, 2013 at 09:16


Gandharva Marriage-Shakuntala and Dushyant.

Gandharva Marriage-Shakuntala and Dushyant.

Marriage in India, Hinduism is a bit complex in that Marriages are intertwined with Religion ,Spirituality, Disposition and place in the Society.

As I have mentioned in my earlier posts, the Social Organisation , incorrectly called as ‘Caste’ Marriages were classified into Eight Types, based on the couples disposition and their Social Status.

The Eight Types of Marriages ,Vivaha.

  1. Brahma Vivaah:Brahma vivah is considered the best marriage. In this the boy and girl belonging to good families and the same varna get married. The boy should have completed his Brahmacharya Ashram (studenthood). There is no dowry involved and the girl enters the boy’s house with two sets of clothes and some ornaments. In this marriage, the boy’s family approaches the girl’s family. “Kanyadaan”, which is the handing of the bride by her father to the groom, is an important ritual of the Brahma Vivah..
  2. Prajapatya Vivaah: This type of marriage is the same as the Brahma vivaah in all respects, except that the bride’s father gives her away as a gift, not to the groom, but to the groom’s father. This type of marriage is resorted to when the groom and bride are both very young. Thus, the protection of the bride or daughter is handed over by her father to the groom’s father during the Panigrahan (hand-receiving) ceremony. The wedding ceremony involving the young bride and groom may take place immediately afterwards, but the wedding may not be consummated for several years, until the bride and groom are old enough.
  3. Daiva Vivaah: In this type of wedding, there are no feasts or celebrations that are specific to the wedding, but the wedding of the daughter of a poor family is held as an act of charity by wealthy people. It was customary for kings, landlords and rich merchants to hold religious ceremonies and sacrifices where many gifts would be given and charities performed for the benefit of learned Brahmins and the poor. During these great events, a poor man would sometimes approach the wealthy host and seek the charity that his daughter’s wedding be performed at this time. This type of marriage may take place if the girl’s parents are unable to locate a suitable groom within a reasonable period (several years) after the girl has attained puberty. Often, the reason for this would be that the parents of the bride cannot afford the expense of their daughter’s marriage. It was considered improper or unsafe to keep a girl unwed past her teens, and anyway the chances of an aging girl getting a good husband were not better than the same girl getting a good husband at a younger age. So the girl would be bedecked with flowers and whatever small ornaments the parents could provide and taken to the venue of the religious ceremony or sacrifice being performed by a rich magnate. She would be offered in marriage to any willing man and generally this would be one of the priests, young or old. The wedding ceremony would be performed in short order and the feasts which were anyway being hosted as part of the festivities would suffice for this extra wedding also. According to the Dharmashastra, Daiva marriage is considered avoidable but is still respectable since poverty is not culpable; lack of virtue is reprehensible but honest poverty is acceptable.
  4. Arsha Vivaah: In this type of marriage, the family of the groom pays kanya-shulkam or bride-price to the parents of the bride. According to certain texts, the prescribed bride-price is a cow with a calf and a pair of bulls. The sacred texts provide various lists of specific communities where this custom prevailed and imply that it is unfitting in general society. However, several instances are found in the puranas of marriage between a man from mainstream communities and a woman from one of the bride-price seeking communities (Pandu-MadriDasharatha-Kaikeyi, etc.). In nearly all cases, the man willingly pays the bride-price and brings his bride home. Also in nearly all these cases, the woman thus obtained comes to dominate her husband and causes havoc and ruin in his family.
  5. Asura Vivaah: In the Asura type of marriage the groom is not at all suitable for the bride. In no way is he a match for the girl but he willingly gives as much wealth as he can afford to the bride’s parents and relatives. In Arsha type cows are given in exchange for the bride but there is no such limitation in the Asura type of marriage. Generally the groom is of lower social rank or caste than the bride. This type of marriage is highly disfavored.
  6. Gandharva Vivaah: When a man and a woman marry for love and without the consent of their families, that marriage is called Gandharva Vivaah or ‘love marriage.’ This type of marriage is considered impious and degrading because it is motivated by lust. In Hinduism, a man is supposed to marry a woman who will aid him in performing his duties towards his parents, clan and society, and to have sons to perpetuate his lineage. Love marriages are seen as taking a man away from all these duties and making him besotted to a beautiful, lustful woman, mindful only of his own selfish pleasures and unmindful of his duties. Hence this form of marriage is reprobated.
  7. Rakshasa Vivaah: This is essentially marriage by abduction. In cases where the girl is willing to marry the boy but her family is against the alliance, the girl may be abducted and married. It is essential that the girl be willing, because otherwise, the puranas and shastras simply treat the incident of abduction as rape, with consequent vengeance and retribution. Instances of such marriages include Krishna-Rukmini and Arjuna-Subhadra, in all of which cases the girl was willing and the results were good.
  8. Paishacha Vivaah: In the case where the bride is intoxicated, possessed or not in a conscious state of mind when being married and thus is married unwillingly, is an example Paishacha vivaah, and which has been outlawed by Manu.(Wiki)

Of these eight,  in the first Two Case, Brahmana Vivaha and Prajapati Vivaha, Divorce and Remarriage and Widow Remarriage were not allowed.

This is because of the elevated status these two groups, which perform these types of Marriages belong to.

Normally  these were performed by the Brahmana, Kshatriya and Vaisya Communities.

What is important to note is that the ‘Caste’ is determined based on wedlock and Wedlock is not determined by the caste, in the sense that those who marry other than these two types of Marriages no longer belong to the Group and are not constrained by  their original groups laws.

An example is the marriage of  Asura Guru,Sukra’s daughter’s marriage.( Devyani).

Sukracharya, a Brahmin was the Guru of Asuras .

His duty was to get his daughter married  in the style of Brahmana Vivaha.

Since it he did not do it, for no fault of his, he separated himself from his daughter, who later married  a King.

In these cases, the Laws of Manu ,proscribing remarriage or Divorce do not apply.

The Laws of Manu forbidding Remarriage and Divorce are related to the two types of marriages and not to other Varnas.

In all the other six cases, laws of Manu do not apply and there is no bar for remarriage.

As has been the vein of Sanatana Dharama, stricter laws are applied to Barhmains, Kshatriyas ans Vaishyas.

Therefore Divorce and Remarriages were allowed  except in the case of the Brahmanas ,Kshtriyas and Vishyas,

In case people from these groups decide to marry in a form other than what is prescribed, Namely Brahman Vivaha and Prajapati Vivaha, tey acn, but they are no longer controlled by the laws that were applicable to them earlier.

The which group do they belong to and what rules should they follow?

This will be dealt with separately in another post, where I will be discussing how many so-called caste groups came into being.


Indian History By Reddy.



Divorced Women To get Husband’s Inherited Property

In Family, relationships on July 18, 2013 at 09:44

Hindu Marriage,Ammi Mithithal

Ammi Midithal
Ammi Midithal
The groom touches the feet of the bride and lifts her right foot gently and places it on the Ammi(grinding stone). This signifies her hope that their union may be as firm and steadfast as the grinding stone.

Women , not all of them but the self-styled feminists, would like one to believe that they are being discriminated by Men,want Equal Rights with Men.

They also say that they are not weak , can do what a Man could do.

In the same breath they expect Men to be chivalrous and give, as a courtesy(!?), to give priority to women in Public, say like allowing them the first right of passage,special seats for them in Trains buses, special timing and excuses for leave in the work place.

To me if you want to be equal to Men , you should expect to be treated like men.

To garner votes, the Government of India has gone overboard.

The Cabinet has given the nod for the following proposals.

“A wife will have a share in her husband’s inherited or inheritable marital property on divorce, though the exact quantum of the compensation has been left to the discretion of the judge, according to a legislation that was cleared by the Union Cabinet on Wednesday.

The Cabinet also cleared the proposal that in cases where divorce has been sought on mutual consent of both parties the judiciary has been given the discretion to grant divorce to one party after a period of three years, even if the man and the wife are no longer on the same page. These were part of the recommendations of the GoM on Marriage Laws Amendment Bill which will now be amended suitably before being brought to Parliament during the monsoon session, beginning August 5.

By not quantifying the amount of compensation the government has moderated its earlier proposal to give a wife “equal” share in marital property. The ministers felt that a judge could decide on the quantum of compensation after taking into account an entire set of considerations such as the disposable income of both husband and wife, conditions like who will bear the primary responsibility of raising the children and claimants on the “inheritable property.”

If you do not want to live with a Man, why do you want his property?

Are men returned the favor?

How many divorced women pay Alimony to their ex Husbands?

Relationship is about understanding and compromising one with the other.

If you want to end it, it should be with lock, stock and barrel, not what is convenient,.

While cases about Men walking out of relationships, Marriages, is widely reported, women indulging in this, never gets reported for the man considers that it is an insult to divulge it and Dog bites Man is not News.

I know a case, where a woman deliberately pretended to love a  Boy , got married, drugged him with the help of her mother for three years and tried to get his property worth one crore and finally settled for 30 lakhs!..

If in a relationship, if either wants any thing more than the Relationship, other than Love, Care and Affection, in my dictionary it is, sorry for using this, Prostitution.

(Desertion , if proved, is a different matter and has to be strictly dealt with by Punishment and Compensation, this applies to both sex).

The other proposal of granting divorce after three years, even if one party is not willing or has a change of mind, Divorce is to be granted.

So the aim is to see that the Institution of marriage is broken, no compromise.

Then why do you have family Courts for Divorces, simply follow ‘Talaq,talaq, talaq’ and be done with it.

However I am not against Divorces if either the husband or wife is unfaithful , neglectful of the other and embark on cruelty.

This point is common to bth sex.

There is a mistaken impression that there is no cruelty being practiced by Women.

It is erroneous.

It exists more than one thinks.

Men do not admit it.

One of my friend used say that many Men in India go through married Life, because they feel it is their duty to go through it,let me suffer silently.

In India if men were to go for Divorce for reasons like cruelty by wives,well, about 80% of Marriages would have broken long ago.

I expect comments like Male Chauvinist Pig‘ ‘Sucking Pig, a Muslim(!?), who brings dishonor to Islam!

These comments are real and were approved and published in my site.

* I am not a Divorcee, am happily married with Grand children..

To me family is the most important institution one has to respect and men have the responsibility of taking car of it, including wife.

Marriage is not a walkers Association to walk away when you feel like it.

Wife has to be respected, listened when it is worth not otherwise, to me no compromises just to please, what is in the best interests of the family, will be done.

There is a Sanskrit slaoka which says,

‘Listen to women and children int the Family, take decisions in the interest of the family’

‘Do not discuss economic difficulties with Children, Wife and Gussets, they can not understand, you carry the burden”

I find this to be practical.

The issue of accepting money from your wife,.

You take Financial assistance from your wife for the family.

You had it, you would be reminded and insulted to the end of your Life.

Ask any man who has taken Money from his wife.

News Source:







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