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Posts Tagged ‘Parent’

Elder Abuse By Children Facebook Discussion.

In Parenting on February 4, 2014 at 17:25

Recently I shared a few of my posts on Elderly abuse by their children to Facebook Communities of which I am a member.

This is the Post.

Senior citizen abuse.

Children Leave parents at Old Age Homes

https://ramanan50.wordpress.com/2013/10/02/parents-in-elderly-home-children-to-be-shamed/

I was happy and sad at the same time .

Happy because the post generated a lot of discussion with members speaking out with out inhibition.

Sad because it revealed to me the malaise that is eating our Society.

Though the views of the communities need not reflect the views of all the other Communities in general, this particular community views are taken as a model for others despite their bashing this Community.

During the course of the discussions I came across views, which I will sum up as it would be unethical to post them direct here.

1.All agree that there is this problem of leaving the elderly in Old Age Homes

.2.The elderly also prefer it.

3.This, from the trend and profiles I could gleam, seems to be from NRI .( parents of NRIs and the parents themselves)

4.It is my impression that there seems to be communication disconnect between the Parents and the Children.

5.Children do want to keep them at Home.

6.Sad was a comment the children is ‘an Insurance for parents’ posted by a Parent.

7.Equally appalling was a comment that “Parents are incorrigible and make the Life of Children Hell”

I have posted my views in the group discussion.

Then there was a question of Duty of Sons (No body spoke about daughters!)

The point is that where was this problem, say 40 years ago?

Agreed that we had differences at Homes with parents with us, we never thought that ‘they were living with us’ rather’ we were living in a Home’

Tiffs are always sorted out,

Then why so now?

1.People have gone after monetary values alone.

Parents want their sons to go abroad , especially the US for Higher Studies and Jobs.

When they get a Green Card, the parents feel that they own the world.

Forgetting that the values and the standard of Living shall make sure that they do not return.

If you have sent your child abroad you should be prepared for it.

Alternately, you should stay with them there.

If you a can not stay because you  want to come to your Native place,  then you have no other  option but to stay here alone or in an Old Age Home.

You can not blame the children for it.

Not that you need not send your children abroad, but only that you should have the maturity to handle the consequences.

2.Interfering in Grown up children’s day-to-day affairs.

Many elderly do resort to this as a sign of showing their control of the Household.

It produces the opposite reaction.

You have run the family for nearly 30 t0 40 years and you have taught , or you thought you had taught your children to face Life,.

Why not leave them be?

What could they do?

They might make mistakes. like you and I ( should this be ‘Me’) have made when we were young, or for that matter even now.

Why not admit that the younger generation may be, in fact, is more intelligent in handling practical Life than we did?

Let them run the family the way they want.

If you have brought them up well and proper they would have the basic Morals alright.

That would do.

Not the silly expectation of them coming to you and submitting their account and informing you where they are gong and what they are doing.

We have run our Race,

Let the Relay race run.If you run along  the relay runner, you Team, The Family, will lose.

Elders need to handle this with maturity.

2.For Children.

Parents are not your enemies.

They say and do hings for you, they may not know to how to go about saying or doing it.

Do not suspect their Love or their concern for you.

They are not Incorrigible.

These incorrigible idiots made you into what you are to-day, even enabling you to speak this way.

The value of parents will be known when they are no more.

Only Parents love you for what You are.-with all your warts.

Others for What You have.

PS.I have not touched the actual Physical and mental abuse of Parents here.

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Pocket Money Alarming Trends IndiaTakes Action

In Education, Parenting on August 31, 2013 at 13:04

Pocket Money is the money given to children by the parents to spend.

Pocket Money in India

Pocket Money In India, A Study.

This is addition to what is being provided at Home by way of Food, Shelter Clothing, Study expenses and in fact covers everything.

This concept  is a new one, since about fifteen years,;even then, it was not followed as it is being done now.

We were provided  every thing by the parents at Home(about 50 years back) and I did not even know what to ask.

I used accept what was given by my father.

Even School textbooks were not asked for.

If I needed something, which was rare, at times I used to ask my mother and what I wanted was provided, but never Money.

Today, we find Pocket Money is being demanded as a matter of Right by the children and parents also consider this as a part of a Child growing into an adult!

It sounds funny.

Why does a child require Money and why do parents encourage it?

One point is that the peer Pressure exerted on the Parents by the other parents  on the one hand  and , on the other,the pressure exerted by the child’s friends.

Many parents resort to this practice to show their status,also to assuage their guilt feeling of not being with the child  as much as they would like because of the fact that both Husband and wife are employed.

They think they are compensating this by giving money to children.

At a relatively young age, say up to 10 years, if you bring up the child properly. the child would not ask for Pocket Money and what it needs is the fact that the Father/Mother personally  bought something for him

Once you allow the child the taste of money, it never leaves.

The child develops a taste for things which it can not afford and assumes that the Money is there merely for the asking.

When you have money, one tends to spend on things one does not need, this applies more to Adults,look at your credit card purchase-s you would have bought things which you would otherwise have not bought if you hard currency ;such being the case, imagine a child!

When the child has  more money it tends to develop bad habits like Smoking< Drinking and begin to use drugs.

As usual parents are the last to know of this.

Then things had gone beyond control.

Another serious implication is that when the child does not get the money from you it starts stealing , first from Home ,then later from other people.

I am not sounding an undue Alarm.

Survey at .

http://www.bemoneyaware.com/survey.php

This I have observed in quite a number of cases.

The issue has assumed such serious proportions that the Government of India has come out with a Scheme to regulate this and create an awareness among the students and the parents.

I am providing some thoughts from another source;

Pocket money as the name suggests is money given to children to take care of petty expenses. This amount of money can be given by parents’ everyday, every week or every month or even on adhoc basis, as and when the child requires it. As long as the child has the freedom to spend the money, it will be deemed as pocket money.

Parents extensively differ in their perspectives of whether or not to give pocket money to children. Some parents believe that pocket money should not be given since

*
That will make the child feel that ‘parents money is not his/her money’,
*
‘It could lead to fights between children’,
*
‘Unhealthy competition amongst children on the amount of pocket money they get’
*
Loss of control on where children spend the money’

However, giving pocket money to children has several advantages:

*
Children feel a sense of independence and responsibility towards spending the money the right way. They learn & understand the value of money. They also learn to understand that amount of money is limited and they need to always choose between their various desires to ensure correct use of their pocket money.
*
Children get into the habit of planned income and expenditure. They also learn about saving & budgeting. For eg: if they want to buy a present for their mother’s birthday, they will need to put aside some amount of money every month to collect the commensurate amount and buy the gift.
*
Giving pocket money to children also makes them feel an important part of the family since they know that they get a part of the family’s monthly income.
Some parents even believe in their children earning pocket money. What does that mean? It means that parents can often inculcate values/ beliefs/ actions in their children by rewarding them for it in the form of pocket money. In such cases, parents divide the pocket money amount in two parts:

*
One that is given on a timely basis.
*
Second that is earned against some house jobs. For eg: every Sunday, you could start giving a fixed sum of money to your son if he helps his father in cleaning the car. Or if your daughter helps around in dusting the house. This will in a way also inculcate the habit of weekly cleanliness in them since childhood. Similarly, if you strongly wish to inculcate the value of ‘ helping others’ in your children, you could promise them an extra sum of money during summer vacations if they help your maid’s child learn the basics of math.

Pocket Money , Indian Government Initiative.

Pocket Money – Financial Education in Schools
NISM has developed a program to impart basic financial skills to school students (Classes VIII upwards). Named as ‘Pocket Money’, this program has been developed as an eight (90 minute) session course.This is a joint initiative being conducted by SEBI and NISM. We have done a pilot initiative covering 30 schools and 4000 students. We will soon be launching the program in various parts of the country.

For more information about this program please go through this short presentation:

Download here for the programme.

The Government is tying up with schools and educate children , parents and the Teachers on this issue.

http://www.nism.ac.in/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=262&Itemid=233

http://www.indiachildren.com/growing/10to15y/pocketmoney.htm

Studies On Pocket Money in India.

A 2011 study by ASSOCHAM on “Current Pocket Money Trends in Urban India” spoke to over 3,000 respondents in the 12-20 years age group in five metros, including Chennai (which was at the bottom of the list in terms of pocket money – the maximum was Rs.5,000). Shockingly, it revealed that children were getting pocket money upwards of Rs.12,000 in India, many times more than the few thousands that children were used to getting just six years ago. Apparently, big budget items that kids were going in for was gadgets (55 per cent), 25 per cent spent money on movies and malls, and about 20 per cent on eating out.

“Food is on top of the list – for all children, irrespective of their socio economic strata. If they have money, they buy food. Unfortunately, most of it is junk food and fizzy drinks,” Dr. Kumarababu explains.

Coupled with a sedentary lifestyle, this leads to obesity and a whole string of metabolic disorders that are best prevented at a young age, doctors say. The next big spending is on gadgets and on video games CDs and DVDs, all of which further encourage a sedentary life.

http://www.thehindu.com/news/cities/chennai/pocket-money-may-encourage-deviant-behaviour-in-kids/article2876324.ece

My suggestion is not to give Pocket Money right from the early childhood and provide children what they need by yourself.

In case you can not avoid this , make sure the child keeps an account and shows it to you daily.

Schools may encourage children to save and set Marks for Saving for A  ‘Pass’/Rank.

Choices And Life

In lifestyle, Love on July 10, 2013 at 12:01

Quote on Life and Choice.

Choice Quote

I studied in a premier college with dual scholarship as I could not afford Higher studies.

I was very active in the Students’ Union and was responsible for three strikes in that premier Institution.

The causes were just, the authorities knew it, though could not admit it openly.

I finished my degree as the first rank holder in the University in major(Philosophy,Psychology and Sociology), only first class in The University in the language(Tamil),and one of the seven second class students who scored in English.

Though the college authorities knew I had created problems, the Chief of the group called me and asked me to continue MA , financial help for boarding, lodging and fees  will be taken care of by them, I could not, because my family circumstances warranted that I take up a job.

Hence I had to refuse the offer despite their assurance that they will provide me with a job in the college as a Lecturer(Mind you the salary was good for the post in those days) because I could not  wait for two more years to earn.

I took up a job, went out of the city, fell in love for over three years with my friend‘s( who was around 48 years) daughter.

As much I wanted to marry her, I did not ask her father.

in my view to marry one;s friend’s daughter was a betrayal of Trust!

I got married and me my friend with my wife.

His daughter along with him extended hospitality.

As we were returning Home, my wife told me that she saw Love in my friend’s daughter’s eyes and asked me what the matter was.

I explained her and she admonished me for not having married her and felt sorry for me too!

(My friend’s daughter , in a fit of anger and desperation to get even with me got married of her own to a non worthy who tortured her and she got a divorce.)

My wife, whom I loved and love still died in child birth.

I went off my mind for a couple of months, got remarried , begotten grand children.

I had choices, at all times,

to opt for higher study and a sinecure job.

to marry the one whom I loved,

to remain unmarried after my beloved wife’s death,

I did not choose any of these options.

On hind sight I wish I could have taken them.

The cost?

I do not know.

But what forced me to choose one in place of another, may be circumstances, but still?

I had chosen what I thought I liked.

In retrospect, I find it could have been otherwise.

May be after couple of years  or even a days later I might find my present choice mentioned here are incorrect!

So a decision is made by one with out his control, though it appears to be voluntary.

Choice is really determined, if you look at it this way.

So decisions are made for me and I am under the illusion that I am choosing them!

True, I feel the pain at all times, I am Human.

But what is Life with out this!

Set Goals Die

In lifestyle on July 9, 2013 at 07:55

There is this fad of setting goals for one’s Life.

Goal Setting.

Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.” – See more at: http://thewirelessincome.com/how-to-do-goal-setting-to-have-fun-and-achieve-them#sthash.vrfQGUKq.dpuf

This has gone to such an extent hat parents of children , even about 4, start planning the Career  of their wards, by constantly talking in front of the child, in some cases asking the child to repeat what the parents say about the child’s future and goals.

The Child also repeats without knowing the meaning of  what it says.

This gets implanted in the mind of the child.

This becomes an obsession in the later years and the child grows into an adult without having an option to weigh the options available.

Unfortunately the parents may change the goal they set for their child.

This will not be accepted by the child , it rebels at the Adolescent Age and continues in Adulthood.

As Adults they are forced .especially by the Society to set goals for themselves indirectly.

But it is imposed on them by the Corporate, by dangling Economic benefits Salary, perks.

A corporate has its Agenda, Namely Profit, nothing more.

All this talk of attitudes, behavioral suggestions ,Career optimization.. have a single goal, that of making money for the company.

Lured by the tempting offers, children and parents plan their lives accordingly.

Unfortunately Life is not merely about earning Money.

It has more to it.

Life is multifaceted.

One has to accept things in Life as they come.

One can not wait for one event to end to begin another as is said’ One can never  take a Bath in the Ocean after the waves cease”

Choosing a Career is important, so is marriage,

Sacrificing one for another is a step but one must have the mental maturity to adjust.

Alternately one must know how to balance both the options.

I am coming across stories where youngsters committing suicides for failing in examinations,Failure in Love Life,unable to adjust to marital issues .

Weirdest is a recent case reported in The Times of India dtd 7 July 2013,(page 3, Bangalore edition), where  a girl. 22,is reported to have committed suicide because her parents arranged for her wedding while she wanted to pursue her studies.

If parents and children were to understand Relationships,Behavior and about Careers (for this case),, they would not have resorted to these stupid decisions like ending life.

It is my experience that people tend to discard opinions f the others who are close to them but trust Books.

Goal setting is to be voluntary, not forced, nor induced.

Let the individuals decide;the parents must remain as Just Moderators to guide them without bias.

I recommend reading  some of the books mentioned.

Career Planning By John BarkerJim Kellen.

Regarding Children by A New Respect for Childhood and Families By Herbert AndersonSusan B. W. Johnson

One might get these Books at a good price, through flipkart,Amazon, Bestdeal,.

Follow the Link below.

https://www.cuponation.in/books-movies-music-coupons

‘Only Child’ Facts For Better Parenting.

In Parenting on June 13, 2013 at 08:43

There are some Myths about  the ‘Only Child“.

Lauren Sanders makes some observations on the ‘Only Child’

The 'Only Child'

‘Only Child’

I am sharing my views on this subject and her observation are provided after that.

I was the last child for my Parents.My sister and brothers were old enough to be my Parents , they were married before I was born and were living in other cities from our Home.

1. I was brought up, for all practical purposes, as ‘only Child” ,It  is not necessary for parents to have another child to make a child ‘only child’,it is the way he is brought up.

I am amazed at the fuss my Daughter and daughter in law make  and the efforts they put up in bringing up children,

My son and son-in-law are not far behind.

My parents did not spend ‘quality time, as fancy terms indicate, with me.

I used to take food as it was given to me without any attempt to feed me(after I was Three),went to school on my own without parent’s accompanying and generally did what a child is expected of, playing on the street till called Home(from 630 am to 8,430 pm to six pm).

I never felt alone and was always busy.

Never have i felt that I was being brought up differently.

I am given to understand that I mix with people freely and easy to get along with.

But as Myth would have it I should have been an introvert, reserved and difficult to get along with; I am not.

This nails the myth that ‘only child’ is lonely, difficult to get on along with and is prone for maladjustment later in Life.

2.I have not been pampered.

I f I want something I used to ask my mother, which will be conveyed to my father,by her.

If he can not afford it, he would call me and say that he could not afford it.

My tantrums would be of no avail.

This has not made me adamant and cantankerous in my later Life.

3.Being the ‘only child’ has not made me any more selfish than any other child.

I am selfish as any other child and my daughter tells me I am selfish especially in Food, when I fight for Ice cream and chocolates with my Grandson, 4!

4.I had no idea what ‘shared strength’ is all about. till I heard the term recently.

The fact that Parents have more children does not make them to share less with children no dor  parents Love one child the less.

This feeling is an illusion , for Love can not be quantified.

However it is a fact that parents do have a special fondness for a particular child, not that they love the other children less,

In general, I have seen fathers more attached emotionally to their Daughters.

In fact  a Man sees his Mother in his daughter,

I do not know about Women.

5.It is a contradiction to observe that the eldest child gets priority in a Home and in some Homes the youngest’ it is the things are.

In short I am of the conviction that Children and emotions are not quantifiable and any conclusions based on these assumptions are incorrect and sends a wrong message to Parents.

Story:

The three biggest myths, she says, turn into one word – lonelyselfishmaladjusted – when people talk about us, despite the hundreds of studies that show only children are no different than people with siblings. It is a knowledge gap with consequences. The stereotypes “are really infringing on the lives of parents and especially mothers,” Sandler says. “They have their first kid for them and a second for the other kid. If the reason they’re doing that is that only children are somehow screwed up, then the reasoning is flawed.”

As I dared to exhale, she laid out the facts:

1. Only children are not lonely. This is true, but with a few qualifications. School-aged only children are not lonelier. However, those in rural areas might be somewhat more so, and adolescent onlys get lonely because they are teenagers. And grown-up only children coping with the needs and then the loss of aging parents do tend to feel more isolated than others in the same boat. “For me, personally, it is not a reason to have another kid,” Sandler says, “just so my kid has a sibling when I die.”

2. Only children are not more selfish than other people. Instead, Sandler says, “we become generous and respectful people. We put a lot of weight on our relationships. We tend to be very giving friends, and we are no more narcissistic than anyone else. For some reason, researchers cannot believe this, and just keep testing.

3. Only children are not all spoiled. At least, no more spoiled than any other child might be. “There is a notion that only children are spoiled because they get everything their parents have to give,” Sandler says, “and end up with the pony in the backyard and the diamond tiara and have a snit when they don’t get what they want. That’s not my kid. It wasn’t me.”

4. Only children are not maladjusted. “All of the data around that shows us that as long as kids go to school they’re socialized,” Sandler says. “I tend to be the person throwing a party. I bought a house with friends.”

5. Only children do have shared strengths. High achievement, intelligence and self-esteem. Raised in a “rich verbal environment” we talk a lot — and with depth. But, Sandler says, just as preventing “lonelyselfishmaladjusted” is not a reason to have a second child, improving your child’s SAT score is not a reason to stop at one.

Source:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/12/only-child-myths-lauren-sandler_n_3424272.html?utm_hp_ref=parents&ir=Parents

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