For healthy sexual life read the Kama Sutra of Vatsyayana, which is both erotic and scientific.
You’ve walked innocently past issues of Cosmopolitan magazine a thousand times, every time you’ve checked out at a grocery store. If you glanced at the covers then you know it’s all about sex, and helping girls bring out the sexual animal in their man.
Not that kind.
But littered amongst their mildly kinky and often impractical advice (“wear a wet t-shirt to bed!”) you get horrifying tips that border on genital mutilation.
Think we’re kidding? As we speak, Cosmo is advising women to…
Bite the Family Jewels
Here’s something mankind has known about intercourse since the very, very first sexual act was performed: If in describing the act, the words “bite” and “scrotum” appear in the same sentence, something went catastrophically wrong. So wrong that your behavior should have earned you an unceremonious exit from the gene pool.
To put this in context, when kangaroos fight each other, they use the claws on their hind legs to tear at their opponent’s scrotum. Even when trying to kill each other by way of scrotal trauma, wild animals refuse to go so far as biting.
And by the way, when dealing with teeth and that area of the body, the modifier “softly” doesn’t do anything to make this better. That’s like saying to “gently” jam a lit cigarette into his eye.
Shake His Nuts
Cosmopolitan Vol. 237, Issue 1, page 106.
We always knew there was something sexy about Yahtzee! and now it’s all so clear: It remind us of the time our girlfriend rattled our testicles around like a set of dice she was trying to shake a lucky roll out of.
Now, someone in the comments will point out that it’s not necessarily Cosmo giving this advice. “Curtis, 33″ wrote in with it. Don’t shoot the messenger!
Bullshit. We very well can shoot the messenger if the message he’s carrying will result in someone rapidly slamming our balls against each other. That’s self-defense right there.
No, this is one of those occasions when an editor needs to think, “Sure, no other guy has said this yet, so it’s unique and would therefore be interesting to our readers. But on the other hand, no other guy has said this, so maybe the guy who wrote this is totally fucking insane, or possibly a jilted woman looking to get back at the opposite sex.”
For instance, we don’t think a men’s magazine would print a letter from a “woman” saying, “You know what really turns us ladies on? When you jab us in the ribs with a sharp stick.” The editor would immediately guess that behind the letter was a balding man in his basement, with a wall covered in photos of his mother with WHORE scrawled over them in blood.
Yank His Crotch Hair
Well, at least this one doesn’t involve outright genital trauma. This little nugget recommends you pull on some dude’s treasure trail hairs. You know, to turn him on.
Hey, ladies, have you ever heard a guy use the expression, “He’s got me by the short hairs”? Was the guy using it in a positive way?
No, because it is meant to convey the image of somebody grabbing your pubic hair and causing so much pain that they can make you do anything. Nobody unwraps a gift at Christmas and says, “Thanks, Grandma! This Xbox 360 will really get me by the short hairs!”
All right, so now what you need to understand about that strip of fur Cosmo is referencing is that it’s basically pubes. It’s like a pubic escape route from your pants. No one’s going to publish “yank on his pubes” in a sex advice column because no one outside of a few fetish scenes would want to do it, because it’s horrible.
What’s especially diabolical about this advice is that it sounds fine leading up to it. We’re all for licking and tickling. It’s like they intentionally buried the painful tip under the good ones, like a landmine.
Give Him a Sneezegasm
This seems to derive from the retarded sex myth that, physiologically, a sneeze is somehow “1/7th of an orgasm,” which you may have heard in high school or from the brain trust at Yahoo! Answers. You may be tempted to ask how in the shit you would quantify 1/7th of an orgasm, but Yahoo! isn’t giving up the goods on that one.
That aside, have you ever enjoyed sneezing? Have you ever looked forward to getting a cold for the pant staining pleasure of it? Sure, there are a few sneeze fetishists out there, but that’s probably a relatively small proportion of the population and odds are even they think this tip is stupid.
You may think this one is tame compared to the others, but you’re not fully picturing the scenario. One wrong move and you either have an eye or a sphincter full of pepper, both of which are going to create that non-sexy crying and panicked flushing of the area with water.