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Archive for the ‘Parenting’ Category

Elder Abuse By Children Facebook Discussion.

In Parenting on February 4, 2014 at 17:25

Recently I shared a few of my posts on Elderly abuse by their children to Facebook Communities of which I am a member.

This is the Post.

Senior citizen abuse.

Children Leave parents at Old Age Homes

https://ramanan50.wordpress.com/2013/10/02/parents-in-elderly-home-children-to-be-shamed/

I was happy and sad at the same time .

Happy because the post generated a lot of discussion with members speaking out with out inhibition.

Sad because it revealed to me the malaise that is eating our Society.

Though the views of the communities need not reflect the views of all the other Communities in general, this particular community views are taken as a model for others despite their bashing this Community.

During the course of the discussions I came across views, which I will sum up as it would be unethical to post them direct here.

1.All agree that there is this problem of leaving the elderly in Old Age Homes

.2.The elderly also prefer it.

3.This, from the trend and profiles I could gleam, seems to be from NRI .( parents of NRIs and the parents themselves)

4.It is my impression that there seems to be communication disconnect between the Parents and the Children.

5.Children do want to keep them at Home.

6.Sad was a comment the children is ‘an Insurance for parents’ posted by a Parent.

7.Equally appalling was a comment that “Parents are incorrigible and make the Life of Children Hell”

I have posted my views in the group discussion.

Then there was a question of Duty of Sons (No body spoke about daughters!)

The point is that where was this problem, say 40 years ago?

Agreed that we had differences at Homes with parents with us, we never thought that ‘they were living with us’ rather’ we were living in a Home’

Tiffs are always sorted out,

Then why so now?

1.People have gone after monetary values alone.

Parents want their sons to go abroad , especially the US for Higher Studies and Jobs.

When they get a Green Card, the parents feel that they own the world.

Forgetting that the values and the standard of Living shall make sure that they do not return.

If you have sent your child abroad you should be prepared for it.

Alternately, you should stay with them there.

If you a can not stay because you  want to come to your Native place,  then you have no other  option but to stay here alone or in an Old Age Home.

You can not blame the children for it.

Not that you need not send your children abroad, but only that you should have the maturity to handle the consequences.

2.Interfering in Grown up children’s day-to-day affairs.

Many elderly do resort to this as a sign of showing their control of the Household.

It produces the opposite reaction.

You have run the family for nearly 30 t0 40 years and you have taught , or you thought you had taught your children to face Life,.

Why not leave them be?

What could they do?

They might make mistakes. like you and I ( should this be ‘Me’) have made when we were young, or for that matter even now.

Why not admit that the younger generation may be, in fact, is more intelligent in handling practical Life than we did?

Let them run the family the way they want.

If you have brought them up well and proper they would have the basic Morals alright.

That would do.

Not the silly expectation of them coming to you and submitting their account and informing you where they are gong and what they are doing.

We have run our Race,

Let the Relay race run.If you run along  the relay runner, you Team, The Family, will lose.

Elders need to handle this with maturity.

2.For Children.

Parents are not your enemies.

They say and do hings for you, they may not know to how to go about saying or doing it.

Do not suspect their Love or their concern for you.

They are not Incorrigible.

These incorrigible idiots made you into what you are to-day, even enabling you to speak this way.

The value of parents will be known when they are no more.

Only Parents love you for what You are.-with all your warts.

Others for What You have.

PS.I have not touched the actual Physical and mental abuse of Parents here.

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The Courtyard Of Moon

In Parenting, Tamils on January 23, 2014 at 10:40

 

Moon is used in world literature as an allusion,allegory simile to express various emotions.

Courtyard of Moon.

Moon Shining Courtyard of Moon.

The practice of using the concept Moon as a part of Life goes to the Tamils.

There is no Poet who has not sung about Moon right from the Classical  Age of the Sangam till the present day.

It is also the part of Indian life to show Moon and feed the child.

Usually a song is sung inviting The Moon to play with the child.

This has been such an expected custom that a special grammar has been created to accommodate this activity.

In Pillai Thamizh, The Tamil of The child, various stages of the child’s growth has been explained and suitable songs were sung.

Those who know Tamil, enjoy this song, Thiuvoimozhi of Periyazhvar sung in praise of Lord Krishna asking Him to sleep while making Him sleep in a Cradle.

The celebration of the Moon is not restricted children.

Moon is used to express Love,Pangs of separation and even pathos.

I am proving some songs towards the close of the Post.

It is the practice, as the child grows up, to have the family sit around in the Pial( a reclining slab at the entrance of the House) have the food made into  a Ball , place in the Palm of the family members.

This is/was widely practiced.

I used it to do this for my children till they were in the Ninth or tenth standard.

The taste and the camaraderie one feels as a Unit is incomparable.

Children eat more than what they usually consume.

Tamils have taken this a step further,

In ancient days, Homes had a special area built, normally in the first floor and the Kings used to build a Floor for this purpose , enjoy the Moon and take food.

This place is called the Courtyard of Moon.’Nila Mutram’.

There is also the practice of eating under the Moon with the family on the Full Moon Day of the Chaitra,Chiththitrai Month , The Full Moon Day of April.

Special festival is celebrated on this day and this is special in Madurai, Chitra Pournami

Such simple pleasures do not cost you nor do they harm children.

We seem to be losing them.

Some Old movie songs on Moon.

 

 

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Eleven Kinds Of Lullaby For Children

In lifestyle, Parenting, Tamils on January 21, 2014 at 18:58

Lullaby is one of the most delightful forms of Literature.

Lullaby in Tami

Lullaby

Though I am very well versed in English, Sanskrit and Tamil Literature. I have a bird’s-eye view of them.

To my knowledge the kinds of Lullabies found in Tamil Literature seem to be unmatched.

I have not come across anything close to it.

Though Tamil and Tamils  are perceived to be highly emotional, thanks to idiotic self-styled fanatics of Dravidian parties who make a living off Tamil, the Truth is that Tamil and Tamil Grammar,though very rich in content, imagery,has a highly organised system of Grammar totally different from Sanskrit.

It is organised not merely by content of the poem but also relates to the Ages Of Man,Woman and Child.

Shakespeare would talk to us on The Seven Ages of Man in As you Like It.

Tamil speaks of the Ages of Woman.

Read my post on this,

Lullaby forms an important form of Tamil Literature.

It abounds in early Classical Tamil , though it has gained momentum in the middle ages through the Bhakti Ilakkiyam(Devotional Classics)

This has organised Literature in such a manner that it has assigned different types of Lullabies to be sung for the Child.

As we all know, at least Grandparents know, that children love Lullabies.

As the child grows up, so is the ear for Music.

Hence the Lullaby one sings  between one year to another has to be different to keep the child engaged.

Tamil has done it.

They have devised a system where various ages , corresponding type of Lullabies are listed and the parameters for them set.

There are Ten.

They are.

1. காப்புப் பருவம் - இது குழந்தையின் இரண்டாவது மாதத்தில் பாடுவது.
எந்த குழந்தையாயினும் முதலில் அதற்கு எந்த தீங்கும் நேர்ந்திடா வண்ணம், சிவன், பார்வதி, விநாயகர், திருமால், முருகன் என்று பலத் தெய்வங்களும் குழந்தையைக் காக்க வேண்டி,அவர்கள் மீது பாடல்கள் பாடி, குழந்தைக்குக் காப்பிட வேண்டும்.
Protective Age.
This  type is sung during the second Month of the Child.
Here as child is very tender, Gods like Ganapati,Siva,Parvati, Subramanya or Vishnu are invoked and prayed for the protection of the Child.
2. செங்கீரைப் பருவம் - இது குழந்தையின் ஐந்தாம் மாதத்தில் பாடுவது.
இந்த பருவத்தில், குழந்தை ஓரளவு தவழவும் முயற்சிக்கும்.அதாவது, குழந்தை தன் ஒரு காலை மடக்கி, ஒரு காலை நீட்டி, இரு கைகளையும் நிலத்தில் ஊன்றித் தலையை நிமிர்த்தி முகமாட்டும் பருவம். குழந்தை இவ்வாறு செய்யும் போது, அது செங்கீரைக் காற்றில் ஆடுவது போன்று மிகவும் அழகாக, மனமும் அதோடு சேர்ந்து ஆடுற மாதிரி இருக்கும்.

For a toddler of Five months.
The child would start Crawling, by folding one leg, leaning both the hands on the ground , shall thrust its face.
This would look like a typical South Indian Green Leaves plant fluttering in the breeze.
Meter for this type of Lullaby would be more bet oriented.
The name of the plant ‘Sengeerai‘ is given for this stage.3. தாலப் பருவம் - இது குழந்தையின் ஏழாம் மாதத்தில் பாடுவது.
தால்~நாக்கு. தாய் தன் தாலை ஆட்டிப் பாடும் போது, நாக்கின் அசைவுகளைக் குழந்தைகள் கவனித்துக் கேட்கும்.(தாலாட்டுப் பாடும் பருவம்)

Next is sung at the Seven Month.
Now the child would carefully observe the tongue movement of the Mother.
this is the actual age of the Lullaby’,Thaalaattu’.4. சப்பாணிப் பருவம் - இது ஒன்பதாம் மாதம் பாடப்படும்.
சப்பாணி என்றால் – கைகளைத் தட்டுதல்; குழந்தைத் தன் இரு கைகளையும் ஒன்றாகச் சேர்த்துத் தட்டி ஆடும் பருவம்.

At nine months, the child would clap its hands.
This is called ‘Chappani’ or Clapping.
Interesting to note the word in Kannada for Clapping is ‘Chappali’5. முத்தப் பருவம் - இது குழந்தையின் பதினோறாம் மாதத்தில் பாடுவது.
பெற்றோர், தங்களுக்கு முத்தம் தருமாறு குழந்தையிடம் கெஞ்சும் பருவம்.

At the eleventh month, parents beseech the child to give them a Kiss.
This is named as ‘Muthaadal Paruvam’ Kissing Age.6. வாரானைப் பருவம் (வருகை) - இது குழந்தையின் 13ம் மாதத்தில் பாடுவது. குழந்தை தன் ஒரு வருட காலத்தின் நிறைவில் அவர்கள் செய்யும் சாகசம், தளிர் நடைப் போடுதல்.

ஓரளவு நடக்கத் தெரிந்த தன் குழந்தையை, தாய் தன் இரு கைகளையும் முன்னே நீட்டி, தன்னிடம் நடந்து வருமாறு அழைக்கும் பருவம்.

This is the Thirteenth Month when the child is able to walk, albeit  hesitatingly, with it’s both hands outstretched, when parents call the Child to come to them.7. அம்புலிப் பருவம் - இது குழந்தையின் பதினைந்தாம் மாதத்தில் நிகழ்வது.

அம்புலி என்றால் நிலா. நிலவை நோக்கிக் கை நீட்டி, தன் குழந்தையுடன் விளையாட வருமாறு அம்புலியை அழைக்கும் பருவம்.

At the Fifteenth Month, the Moon is shown to the child and the child invites Moon to come and play.8. சிற்றில் பருவம் - இது குழந்தையின் பதினெட்டாம் மாதத்தில் பாடப்படுவது.

ஆண்பிள்ளைகளும், பெண் பிள்ளைகளும் வேறுபடுவது இந்த பருவத்தில் இருந்துதான்.
(சிற்றில் – சிறு+இல் – சிறிய வீடு)பெண்பிள்ளைகள் மணலில் சிறுவீடு கட்டி விளையாடும் பொழுது, அவர்கள் மண்வீட்டைத் தன் சிறு பொற் பாதத்தால் உதைத்துக் கலைக்கும் பருவம்.
At the eighteenth month, male and female differentiation  is noticed and accordingly the stages.songs vary.
This is called the ‘Sitril Paruvam’
The child would a house of Sand , destroys it with its feet and rebuilds.

ஆண்டாள் கூட சொல்வாளே, நாச்சியார் திருமொழியின் இரண்டாம் திருமொழியில்(நாமமாயிரம்), இடைப்பெண்கள் சிற்றில் சிதைக்க வேண்டாவென்று கண்ணனை வேண்டுவர்களே!

‘எங்கள் சிற்றில் வந்து சிதையேலே’ என்று ஆண்டாள் சொல்லுவா.
9. சிறுபறைப் பருவம் - இது குழந்தையின் பத்தொன்பதாம் மாதத்தில் பாடப்படும்.
This is the Eighteenth Month when the child plays with a small drum.
Siru Parai Paruvam.ஒரு சிறிய பறையையும் குச்சியையும் வைத்து பறை கொட்டி விளையாடும் பருவம்.

10. சிறுதேர் பருவம் - இது குழந்தையின் இருபத்திஒன்றாம் மாதத்தில் பாடப்படுவது.

Playing with a Small Chariot.

At the age of 21 months , the child would play with a small chariot made of wood.
Siru Ther Paruvam.

பெண்பால் பிள்ளைத் தமிழ்:

கழங்காடல் - அதாவது, தாயக்கட்டை மாதிரி ஒன்ன வெச்சுக்கிட்டு உருட்டி விளையாடுவது.
அம்மானை ஆடல் - அம்மானை ன்னா பந்து. பெண்பிள்ளைகள் ஒரு பாட்டு பாடிக் கொண்டே பந்து விளையாடுவாங்க. அப்பொழுது பாடும் பாட்டு ‘அம்மானைப் பாட்டு’.
ஊசலாடும் பருவம் - ஊஞ்சல் ஆடி விளையாடும் பருவம்.

Then onwards two stages are given for Girls.

One is Kazhangaadal, playing with small pebbles or stones on hand ,tossing them while singing.

Might use Flower balls.

Another is playing in a Swing.

Oonjal Paruvam

Look at the way the growth of the child is observed.

We have lost these pleasures to TV and Video games.

I have not observed my children doing these.

In fact I never noticed them growing up for I was ‘Busy!’

I am on enjoying these in my Grand son and Grand daughter.

Ref:

http://aazhvarmozhi.blogspot.in/2009/07/blog-post_9502.html

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Pocket Money Alarming Trends IndiaTakes Action

In Education, Parenting on August 31, 2013 at 13:04

Pocket Money is the money given to children by the parents to spend.

Pocket Money in India

Pocket Money In India, A Study.

This is addition to what is being provided at Home by way of Food, Shelter Clothing, Study expenses and in fact covers everything.

This concept  is a new one, since about fifteen years,;even then, it was not followed as it is being done now.

We were provided  every thing by the parents at Home(about 50 years back) and I did not even know what to ask.

I used accept what was given by my father.

Even School textbooks were not asked for.

If I needed something, which was rare, at times I used to ask my mother and what I wanted was provided, but never Money.

Today, we find Pocket Money is being demanded as a matter of Right by the children and parents also consider this as a part of a Child growing into an adult!

It sounds funny.

Why does a child require Money and why do parents encourage it?

One point is that the peer Pressure exerted on the Parents by the other parents  on the one hand  and , on the other,the pressure exerted by the child’s friends.

Many parents resort to this practice to show their status,also to assuage their guilt feeling of not being with the child  as much as they would like because of the fact that both Husband and wife are employed.

They think they are compensating this by giving money to children.

At a relatively young age, say up to 10 years, if you bring up the child properly. the child would not ask for Pocket Money and what it needs is the fact that the Father/Mother personally  bought something for him

Once you allow the child the taste of money, it never leaves.

The child develops a taste for things which it can not afford and assumes that the Money is there merely for the asking.

When you have money, one tends to spend on things one does not need, this applies more to Adults,look at your credit card purchase-s you would have bought things which you would otherwise have not bought if you hard currency ;such being the case, imagine a child!

When the child has  more money it tends to develop bad habits like Smoking< Drinking and begin to use drugs.

As usual parents are the last to know of this.

Then things had gone beyond control.

Another serious implication is that when the child does not get the money from you it starts stealing , first from Home ,then later from other people.

I am not sounding an undue Alarm.

Survey at .

http://www.bemoneyaware.com/survey.php

This I have observed in quite a number of cases.

The issue has assumed such serious proportions that the Government of India has come out with a Scheme to regulate this and create an awareness among the students and the parents.

I am providing some thoughts from another source;

Pocket money as the name suggests is money given to children to take care of petty expenses. This amount of money can be given by parents’ everyday, every week or every month or even on adhoc basis, as and when the child requires it. As long as the child has the freedom to spend the money, it will be deemed as pocket money.

Parents extensively differ in their perspectives of whether or not to give pocket money to children. Some parents believe that pocket money should not be given since

*
That will make the child feel that ‘parents money is not his/her money’,
*
‘It could lead to fights between children’,
*
‘Unhealthy competition amongst children on the amount of pocket money they get’
*
Loss of control on where children spend the money’

However, giving pocket money to children has several advantages:

*
Children feel a sense of independence and responsibility towards spending the money the right way. They learn & understand the value of money. They also learn to understand that amount of money is limited and they need to always choose between their various desires to ensure correct use of their pocket money.
*
Children get into the habit of planned income and expenditure. They also learn about saving & budgeting. For eg: if they want to buy a present for their mother’s birthday, they will need to put aside some amount of money every month to collect the commensurate amount and buy the gift.
*
Giving pocket money to children also makes them feel an important part of the family since they know that they get a part of the family’s monthly income.
Some parents even believe in their children earning pocket money. What does that mean? It means that parents can often inculcate values/ beliefs/ actions in their children by rewarding them for it in the form of pocket money. In such cases, parents divide the pocket money amount in two parts:

*
One that is given on a timely basis.
*
Second that is earned against some house jobs. For eg: every Sunday, you could start giving a fixed sum of money to your son if he helps his father in cleaning the car. Or if your daughter helps around in dusting the house. This will in a way also inculcate the habit of weekly cleanliness in them since childhood. Similarly, if you strongly wish to inculcate the value of ‘ helping others’ in your children, you could promise them an extra sum of money during summer vacations if they help your maid’s child learn the basics of math.

Pocket Money , Indian Government Initiative.

Pocket Money – Financial Education in Schools
NISM has developed a program to impart basic financial skills to school students (Classes VIII upwards). Named as ‘Pocket Money’, this program has been developed as an eight (90 minute) session course.This is a joint initiative being conducted by SEBI and NISM. We have done a pilot initiative covering 30 schools and 4000 students. We will soon be launching the program in various parts of the country.

For more information about this program please go through this short presentation:

Download here for the programme.

The Government is tying up with schools and educate children , parents and the Teachers on this issue.

http://www.nism.ac.in/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=262&Itemid=233

http://www.indiachildren.com/growing/10to15y/pocketmoney.htm

Studies On Pocket Money in India.

A 2011 study by ASSOCHAM on “Current Pocket Money Trends in Urban India” spoke to over 3,000 respondents in the 12-20 years age group in five metros, including Chennai (which was at the bottom of the list in terms of pocket money – the maximum was Rs.5,000). Shockingly, it revealed that children were getting pocket money upwards of Rs.12,000 in India, many times more than the few thousands that children were used to getting just six years ago. Apparently, big budget items that kids were going in for was gadgets (55 per cent), 25 per cent spent money on movies and malls, and about 20 per cent on eating out.

“Food is on top of the list – for all children, irrespective of their socio economic strata. If they have money, they buy food. Unfortunately, most of it is junk food and fizzy drinks,” Dr. Kumarababu explains.

Coupled with a sedentary lifestyle, this leads to obesity and a whole string of metabolic disorders that are best prevented at a young age, doctors say. The next big spending is on gadgets and on video games CDs and DVDs, all of which further encourage a sedentary life.

http://www.thehindu.com/news/cities/chennai/pocket-money-may-encourage-deviant-behaviour-in-kids/article2876324.ece

My suggestion is not to give Pocket Money right from the early childhood and provide children what they need by yourself.

In case you can not avoid this , make sure the child keeps an account and shows it to you daily.

Schools may encourage children to save and set Marks for Saving for A  ‘Pass’/Rank.

Grandparents Choose Grandchildren’s Sex

In Behavior, Parenting on July 12, 2013 at 08:21

Mammals Choose Grandchildren's Sex

Ilnar Salakhiev/AP – For a lioness, the safest bet would be to have a girl cub, according to a new study that says mammals have the ability to select the gender of their offspring for the benefit of their species. With sons, a lioness could end up with zero grandcubs or hit the genetic jackpot.

The bond between the Grandparent and Grand children is unique.

While certain naughty behaviour from sons and daughters were frowned upon, are overlooked in the case of Grandparents.

It is well-known that Grandchildren bond better with their Grand parents.

They have more liberty with their grandparents,share their intimate details with them, which the would not share with even their parents.

I have seen that Grandchildren ,in general, share physiological emotional and mental characteristics f Grand parents.

Tamil language calls he Grandchildren as ‘peran’, ‘The one who establishes Grandparents’ name.(பேரன்)

Now it transpires that Mammals choose the Sex of their grand children, a Study reveals!

Story:

Mammals appear to have the ability to select the gender of their offspring for the benefit of their species, according to a new study that followed three generations of more than 2,300 animals from the San Diego Zoo.

It is not a conscious choice, but in some way, a female’s biology has the capability to assess her health, the quality of her mate, and her environment to determine which sex to go with, according to study author and Stanford evolutionary biologist Joseph P. Garner.

For a lioness, for example, the safest bet would be to have a girl. Even if her daughter isn’t the strongest or highest-ranking female, she will most likely have at least the average number of cubs.

Sons, on the other hand, are a high-risk but potentially high-reward bet. Most male lions don’t reproduce because they are beat out by the few alpha males that father the vast majority of cubs. With sons, she could end up with zero grandcubs, or hit the genetic jackpot.”

There are also indications in the study as to why the initial Human Society was Matrilinear , the preference for female offspring instead of male.

Source:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/mammals-pick-offsprings-sex-to-maximize-number-of-grandchildren-study-shows/2013/07/10/553b1a5a-e969-11e2-8f22-de4bd2a2bd39_story.html

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